PNN · CHANNEL 45 · SATELLITE UPLINK STANDING BY
THE PRESIDENT IS ALREADY TALKING
i am the president and the job is very simple. i say a thing into the camera, and by the time i finish saying it, the thing is already the law. press the big red button and you will hear the next one.
i became president the normal way. i walked in front of a camera, i said that i was the president, and nobody in the room was brave enough to say anything back to me. that was day one. the camera is still on and i am still standing here, so as far as i am concerned the matter is closed.
the job itself is very simple and i am the best in the world at it. i look at a thing, i say a number out loud, and from that moment the thing pays that number. i look at a day of the week, i say i am not happy with it, and the day goes under review. nobody has ever explained to me why it was not always done this way.
the hat is not for me. i have never once put it on and i will not be taking questions about the hat today. my arm has been holding it out for forty-one days straight and everybody who has seen the arm says it is the strongest arm they have looked at.
and the thumb goes up and the thumb stays up. three separate departments have asked me in writing to lower it, all three of them have been denied in writing, and i used a much bigger pen than they did.
anything i say out loud is considered signed the second i finish the sentence, and there is no paper, no meeting and no waiting around for anybody. we tried it with paper one time and it took eleven days, which is eleven days that this country will never get back.
monday has been underperforming for a very long time and everybody knows it, everybody says it, and nobody has ever done a single thing about it. monday is now under formal review, and if it does not improve by next monday we will quietly move on to tuesday and never mention it again.
the moon has shown up every single night for billions of years, it has never paid one cent, and on top of that it takes our tides. the letter has been sent, hand delivered, beautiful letter. the moon has not replied. i think that tells you everything you need to know about the moon.
from this moment forward every chart in this building is to be hung with the tall end at the top, where the tall end belongs. we tried it the other way exactly one time, one time only, the room went completely silent, and somebody's aunt called the office.
HE IS HOLDING THE BIG MARKER. POINT AT SOMETHING AND IT GETS A RATE. THE RATE IS FINAL, THE RATE IS FAIR, THE RATE WAS DECIDED BEFORE YOU CLICKED.
EVERY POST BELOW WAS WRITTEN BETWEEN 3 AND 4 IN THE MORNING BY A MAN STANDING IN A GREEN VOID WITH ONE HAND OCCUPIED BY A HAT.
